TL;DR

Personal Element: A panic attack in the ER, a friend named Maria, and a retreat that cracked something open.
What It Means: The chemistry didn't create anything new. It revealed what years of running had buried.
Proof or Evidence: Johns Hopkins, Imperial College London, and NYU Langone trials, plus FDA Breakthrough Therapy status for psilocybin.

The ER doctor looked at my chart, then back at me. "Your heart is fine. All indicators are normal." He paused. "You must be a runner — your resting heart rate is excellent."

I was having a full-blown panic attack.

My career has always been full-tilt. I ran from one opportunity to the next — hustling, pushing, grinding, never settling at "enough." Fortunately for many shareholders, this was a great benefit as I helped build and lead several successful businesses in the digital age. But my energy was propelled by anxiety-fueled insecurity, a deep fear of failure. I always showed up, dressed the part, talked the talk, put in the hours, and presented myself as a happily employed soldier.

In fact, I ran six miles every morning to ensure I had an endorphin rush to stop my fear, anxiety, loneliness, and depression from presenting itself to the outside world. I saw a therapist who helped me understand myself and contain my fears.

But in late 2018, the running — literal and metaphorical — stopped working. A dark cloud descended. I could do the required minimum to get by: kids were safe and fed, work was attended to. But I had trouble returning calls, going to social events, or committing to anything.

The worst part was waking at 4am with my heart racing, making sure the apartment door was unlocked so the kids could go to a neighbor if this was a heart attack rather than a panic attack.

That's when I ended up in the ER.

The therapist recommended a psychopharmacologist who prescribed seriously spiky drugs that caused brain zaps. He also analyzed my DNA and noted I didn't produce serotonin like others — natural supplements might work better for me. I flushed the brain-zap meds down the toilet. The natural supplements kicked in over three to four weeks, and I felt like a light turned back on.

I swore I would never let myself go through such a terrifying depressive episode again. It scared me. For those who have gone through depression or are going through it now, I know it seems impossible to ask for help. But there are tools, resources, and now plant medicines that can help.

Maria

One close friend, Maria, probably knew me better than I knew myself. We shared many of our trials — professional and personal — together. At a point in her life when I tried to show up for her, Maria encouraged me to join her for a psilocybin retreat.

My gratitude for Maria pushing me beyond my comfort zone is immeasurable. I went in with no expectations and came out a different person.

The Retreat

I did a pre-retreat intake reviewing medical history and discussing what to expect. After a simple group meditation, I was shown my area: a mat where I laid down my blanket. I got comfortable in pajamas and was given a dose of psilocybin via chocolate. There were candles, dim lighting, and guides sitting on mats throughout the room. It was a deeply "held" space.

While watching the surroundings with interest, a practitioner rubbed my back to ask how I was doing. My type-A attitude came out immediately — I jerked at the touch and said, "If it doesn't kick in, I'll just go to a hotel."

I was assured it would kick in.

It did.

As I lay with my hands on my chest, my fingers started tapping. I tried to put them down but they wouldn't stay. I found this amusing — then it got intense. I sat up and started wiping my hands in motions of five, then tapping my heart five times, patting my shoulder five times, tapping each finger five times.

My eyes were wide open. I could see things around me, but I was focused like I had never been on the movements. Without any prompting, I started repeating affirmations — five times each, with each action:

"Love yourself" — as I rubbed my heart
"You've done well" — as I patted my back
"Let go of those who cause you pain" — as I wiped my hands
"Don't be ashamed of being gay" — as I wiped my hands
"Welcome an expanded family" — as I tapped my fingers

I did this for three hours without stopping. I also saw a guide who had hair like my daughter's, and a message came: "Stop telling your kids what to do and learn from them."

When I finally slowed down, the practitioner invited me for food. Without hesitation I said:

"I never want to leave this spot or how I feel right now."

What the Science Says

What happened to me wasn't a mystical accident — it was neurochemistry unlocking.

Psilocybin binds to serotonin receptors (specifically 5-HT2A) and temporarily quiets the Default Mode Network (DMN) — the part of the brain responsible for self-referential thinking, rumination, and what we might call the "ego." When the DMN goes quiet, rigid thought patterns dissolve. New neural pathways form. The brain becomes neuroplastic again — open to change in ways it hasn't been since childhood.

The research is compelling:

Johns Hopkins University (2020): 71% of participants rated their psilocybin experience among the top five most meaningful experiences of their lives. In studies on treatment-resistant depression, 67% of participants showed a greater than 50% reduction in symptoms after just two sessions.
Imperial College London: Neuroimaging studies showed that psilocybin "resets" brain activity patterns in people with treatment-resistant depression, with effects lasting weeks to months.
NYU Langone: Research on cancer patients with existential anxiety showed significant reductions in depression and anxiety that persisted at six-month follow-up.
FDA Recognition: The FDA has granted "Breakthrough Therapy" designation to psilocybin-assisted treatment for both major depressive disorder and treatment-resistant depression.

The tapping, the affirmations, the emotional release I experienced — these weren't random. My brain was finally able to access what it had been defending against for decades. The compound didn't create something new; it revealed what was already there, buried under years of protection.

Integration: Where the Real Work Happens

But the experience alone isn't the transformation. Integration is.

The weeks and months after the retreat — meditation, reflection, continued therapy, community — are where the change takes root. The journey opens the door. You still have to walk through it.

I now meditate daily. I read teachings that reinforce what I learned on that mat. I work with healers who help me stay connected to the self I discovered that night. The retreat was the spark. The integration is the fire.

Why Altitude Exists

This summary barely scratches the surface of how my life has been transformed by one journey with a certified practitioner.

It also sparked why I created Altitude.

Millions of people suffer from anxiety, depression, and ancestral or childhood trauma that can be healed with the right application of psilocybin or 5-MeO-DMT. These aren't party drugs or escapes — they're tools for profound psychological and spiritual work, best used with proper preparation, skilled guidance, and committed integration.

We'll continue to follow the clinical trials and research. We'll profile practitioners and treatment centers. We'll provide the evidence-based information you need to make informed decisions.

My hope is that others will find the peace and self-love that Maria brought me to.

If you're suffering, there is hope. If you're curious, there is a path. If you're ready, there are guides who can hold the space.

I never wanted to leave that spot. But I did — and I brought what I found there back into my life, my family, and now, this work.

Cover Story

Love Yourself Five Times: How Psilocybin Changed My Life